rightly wronged

i think i'm a pretty forgiving person. with how i was raised, what i discovered to be common social sensibility, and God's grace in relentlessly refining my heart, i think i've gotten pretty good at giving the benefit of the doubt, approaching to resolve the situation before allowing myself to create personal feelings, and not approaching with antagonizing/accusing questions.

however, what if after forgiving someone, where after forgiving someone multiple times, there's no visible change. the question comes up, what if (it seems) this person wouldn't be able to understand the depth of the hurt they've inflicted without experiencing it themselves? or that they won't change without experiencing that hurt?

in turn, this raises the question: is there ever a time when we should withhold love from people who have wronged us? if even for just a temporary period of time?

now, my verbal response (what i want to say) to this question is pretty straightforward, something along the lines of "no, love them and forgive them and trust God to change them", but my internal response (what i want to do) is a bit more conflicted, because the main question that's been on my heart is this:

how in the world does loving someone change them if they don't know the extent of their offense?

to clarify, i'm not talking about if someone did something blatantly offensive, because in that case, responding in love is quite a strong statement, indeed. you hurt me, but i choose to love you anyway? powerful statement.

but [situation a] what if the person didn't know they hurt me, but i keep loving them? my expression of love simply becomes translated to "everything is fine", and no one is the wiser.

[situation b] what if the person knows they hurt me, but doesn't know how severe, but i keep loving them? my expression of love becomes "there was some pain, but i chose love anyway", but the expression of love is limited to however severe the perpetrator thinks the offense was.

let's say someone close to me wronged me, and my response was "hey, that upset me, but i choose to forgive you". is that always going to be sufficient in optimally reconciling the situation? and (in a separate question) is that doing the best for helping that person to be more loving and understanding in the future?

i suppose this is the one of the motivators for revenge. a typical motive for revenge is "i want to see that person hurt because they hurt me and it will make me feel better if they are hurt, too." i'm not talking about that motive. i'm saying, what if my motive for revenge is "i want to see that person hurt in the same way because then they will understand the extent of the hurt they caused"?

there's a part of me that resonates with that idea, but at the same time, another part of me that feels like that's not what the Gospel says.

so, while i may not know the ins and outs of how God uses our loving actions to change hearts, i'm going to love and trust.